Insanity?

One blink and I'm feeble, debilitated, a weakling.
Two blinks and I am powerful and steadfast.
What.Is.Wrong.With.Me.

An unpronounced disturbance lives throughout my skin. Something sticks to my insides and nudges me constantly. What is this veil of dreariness, why does it exist, why does it keep me from sleep? Joyful as my friendships dry, glowing as I am numbed to self worth and shun my desire to love others. Why does it mock me?

Sweet sorrowful little wagon of mine. I go along my merry way and turn around to find I've brought my trunk of tears. It never leaves my side.

Today I asked myself, "Why do I feel this way? What is eating at me so badly that I cannot even feel what love is?" I don't have an answer and I just don't understand why.

I don't know what it is like to love me, to allow myself to dream, to shake my own hand and recognize my accomplishments and live up to standards and expectations I have confidently set.

I have a loss of control. I let everyone else make my decisions. I am a blank wall.

Maybe it would be easier if I would just come to accept it. Maybe I'll understand better these outbreaks and why I derive from myself and my happiness and get slapped in the dirt a few times before I get back up.

Huh.

All I know is I am nowhere near my true identity.

I won't say I regret a thing, because that little boy is my life. I have never loved anything so much, never seen anything more precious and beautiful. Never felt so passionate and emotional. He is part of me. He is all of me.

Even a small step forward is a million times worth it. So I'll live.
I just have to get used to my unstable moods. Too often they take the reigns.